Cletus sat alone in a cave pondering how his life had led up to yet another confrontation. Personally, he blamed Zeus. As Cletus played with a stone, two soldiers approached him. They kept their distance from Cletus, eying him cautiously. “Lo-le-Lord Judge,” one said, “we’re soldiers of Judah. Thr-three thousand warriors have uh, have um, well we’ve been sent here to capture you and return you to the Philistines for your crimes.”
“Is that so?” Cletus asked.
The soldiers nodded.
“What if I refuse?”
“Well, um, you see, we’d have to take you by force.”
“What if I escape and you returned empty-handed?” Cletus asked.
“We would be killed by the Philistines,” the soldiers said.
“So, you’re going to die either way, then?”
“That seems like the most likely outcome to either situation,” a solider said with a long sigh.
“We can’t have that then,” Cletus said.
The caveman got to his feet and held his hands out to the soldier. “Go on, then,” he said, “take me to the Philistines.”
Using two ropes, the soldiers tied Cletus’s hands together. They led him out of the cave. The entire army of Judah marched Cletus to the Philistines. An official approached and said, “You are to be killed for your crimes against the Philistines to include murdering thirty men and using foxes to set fire to the crops of the Philistines.”
“You’ve got to admit that that part was pretty ingenious,” Cletus said. “Who else you know that tied a bunch of wheat to a fox’s tail and set it on fire?”
The Philistine official scoffed. The army of Judah was about to hand over Cletus when the caveman burst out of his restraints. Cletus pulled a pin from his ear and shook it out into a small baton. Cletus laughed wickedly as he slaughtered the Philistine army, killing at least a thousand.
Years later, Cletus was spending his time on a riverbed with a beautiful woman named Delilah. Delilah constantly questioned Cletus about the source of his strength. He tried to explain that as a Neanderthal, he had at least sixty percent more muscle mass than the average human, which was further increased by the blessing of Buddha. Delilah insisted there was some secret to Cletus’s strength that he must be hiding from her. So, Cletus constantly teased her about it. “If you tied me up with fresh bowstring, I’ll lose all my strength,” he told her.
Cletus awoke the next day tied up with bowstrings that snapped off as he stretched. Delilah snarled and chastised him, demanding to know the real secret of his strength. Since he’d already told her the truth, Cletus assumed they were playing a game. “Ropes,” he said. “You have to tie me up with brand new ropes, at least four of them.”
Cletus immediately tore the ropes apart when he woke up the next morning. “You misunderstood,” Cletus said to Delilah. “You have to weave my hair together before you tie me up.”
The next morning, Cletus woke up and untangled his hair. “This shit’s getting annoying,” he said to himself. He stared Delilah down. “Listen up, bitch. I’m done playing around with you. So, let me be frank: nothing can take my strength from me. It’s just not how this works. It is as much a part of me as the cock you lust after every night. Stop fucking around. Granted, I’m sure you’re ignoring everything that I’m saying because you’re retarded. Next, I’m sure that you’re going to try to cut off my hair to see if that works.”
Cletus woke up without his glorious mane. “You gotta be fucking kidding me,” he said. “I was only joking.”
Cletus rolled over to face several spears pointed at him.
“Hiya guys,” Cletus said with a bright smile. “I bet you didn’t come here to go for a swim.”
“We’re here to arrest you for your crimes against Philistine.”
Cletus nodded. “Yeah, I figured as much,” he said. “I deserve this. I was a huge dick back in China and in Sumer. I’ll go quietly, but you guys should tell a badass story about fighting with me.”
The Philistines bound Cletus with brass shackles and led him to Gaza. Stories spread far about the imprisoned Israelite Judge. The tales told how Delilah cut his hair to steal his strength, and then, the Philistines stabbed out Cletus’s eyes in his sleep. While it happened differently, Cletus was imprisoned and forced to grind grain for the Philistines.
Months later, Cletus slept on the cold earth of his cell. “AWAKEN,” a voice boomed.
Cletus opened his eyes to find his entire cell coated in flames that did not burn. Cletus rolled over and tried to go back to sleep. “DO NOT IGNORE ME,” the voice said.
“You wanna know the easiest way to not be ignored?” Cletus asked. “You don’t shout at people. Be level with them. Don’t be a dick.”
Cletus sat up after a relieving stretch. “So, which god are you, and what do you want from the great and powerful Cletus?”
“I AM THE ONE TRUE GOD,” the voice said. “I AM THE LORD.”
“Oh,” Cletus said, “you. Yahweh. Hasshem. YHWH. The God of Abraham. You’re not the only god, you know.”
“I AM THE ONE TRUE GOD.”
“There are no true gods,” Cletus said. “All of you are overzealous creations of the human mind. Also, you never answered my question; what do you want from me?”
“I WILL HAVE A HUMAN SON,” Yahweh said. “I WISH FOR YOU TO PROTECT HIM THROUGHOUT HIS LIFE. YOU COME HIGHLY RECOMMENDED BY ZEUS AND BUDDHA. IN RETURN, I WILL GIVE YOU INFINITE STRENGTH.”
“I’m already as strong as ten men,” Cletus told him. “I don’t see more helping all that much. What if I refuse?”
“YOU WILL BE KILLED BY THE PHILISTINES. THINK IT OVER.”
The flames disappeared from Cletus’s cell. Several Philistine guards rushed in. They shackled Cletus and led him out of the prison. Massive crowds of people surrounded him, cheering. “What’s going on guys?” Cletus asked nervously.
“We’re taking you to the temple of Dagon as a sacrifice to thank him for your capture,” a soldier said.
“Doesn’t that seem to defeat the purpose of taking me prisoner?” Cletus asked. “I mean, you’re gonna thank him for capturing me by killing me. Shouldn’t you have just killed me from the start?”
The celebratory parad took Cletus to the temple entrance. Cletus doubled over and asked, “Can I just rest here on these pillars? I’m really tired from grinding grains all the time.”
The soldiers and guards shrugged. Cletus leaned against the nearest pillar. “Yahweh, you there?” he whispered.
“THE LORD IS ALWAYS WATCHING.”
“That’s not creepy at all,” Cletus said. “Listen, I’ll do it, jackass. I’ll protect your kid.”
“I STRENGTHEN THEE.”
Cletus tore out of his shackles and toppled the pillar he was leaning against. “Die, Philistines,” Cletus shouted as he pulled down the other pillar.
Cletus watched the entire temple crumble as the pillars crashed into the main building. “That wasn’t very structurally sound,” he said with a grin before running away in the confusion.
Years passed. Yahweh had instructed Cletus to find a man in the wilderness that wears only a loincloth. Cletus traveled into the wilderness and searched for days. Cletus met the man in only a loincloth near a river. “You,” the man said to Cletus, “have you heard?”
“Heard what?” Cletus asked.
“The son of God,” the man said. “The son of God is coming. The last prophet, the Messiah shall arrive. Only through him shall you be baptized by the Holy Spirit and fire.”
“I’ve heard so much about the son of god that I just cannot wait for this guy to show up,” Cletus said. “Who’re you?”
“They call me John,” the man said. John smelled awful, even by Cletus’s standards. “Would you like some honey? How about a locust or two? I got plenty ter eat and plenty ter share.”
“I’m good,” Cletus said. “I’m only here for the baptism.”
“Not ‘til tomorrow,” said John through mangled, rotten teeth.
“Yeah, I’m aware,” Cletus said.
The next day, a crowd gathered around the riverbed. John baptized several people before a man with shoulder length, curly hair and a thick, dark beard stepped forward. John placed his hand on the man’s head and said, “Let this child now receive the blessing of God. Fill him with the Holy Spirit, and cleanse his soul with the lake of fire.”
John dumped the man into the water, holding him there for a few moments before letting him up.
“THIS IS MY SON,” Yahweh said to Cletus, “THE BELOVED.”
“Awesome,” said Cletus. “We can finally take care of this shit.”
“TAKE THE BOY TO THE WILDERNESS. HE WILL BE TESTED.”
“We’re already in the middle of nowhere,” Cletus said. “You told me to come to the wilderness to find this place. Where do you want me to go?”
“TAKE HIM TO THE WILDERNESS.”
“Sure,” Cletus said.
Cletus approached the son of Yahweh. “Hey, buddy, I’m Cletus,” he said. “I’ve been sent by your father to protect you.”
“Yeah, man, that’s awesome. I’m Jesus. What’s up, buddy?”
“I’m good,” Cletus said. “Let’s get this show on the road.”
Cletus, using his iron pole as a walking stick, walked with the soaking wet Jesus farther out into the wilderness. Trees became fewer and fewer, until rocks and sand surrounded the men, with only small, dried shrubs dotting the landscape.
“Man,” Jesus said, “I wish I would’ve met you when I was younger. Would’ve been a huge help. Like when I was really little, my family ran into a cave full of dragons. My mom and her husband were all freaking out and stuff. I just had to use my magic powers to kill those poor dragons, man.”
“You have magic powers?” Cletus asked. “That are strong enough to effortlessly kill dragons? Why do you need me?”
“I don’t know, man,” Jesus said. “I got these magic powers, but they’re water based. I can do anything as long as water is involved. I can kill things and even heal things because living stuff is something like—I dunno, eighty percent water? I can do all sorts of neat stuff with water. Speaking of which, check this out.” Jesus grabbed the waterskin from Cletus’s waist. After a second, he handed it back to the caveman. “Merlot, man.”
“Cletus took a swig of what was now a smooth, fruity wine. “Damn,” Cletus said. “You turned that shit into wine. How often do you do that?”
“Like all the time,” Jesus said. “I haven’t drank anything other than wine as long as I can remember.”
“You are a crazy ass drunk,” Cletus said. “No wonder you need protection. You need to be shielded from yourself.”
“That is so true,” Jesus said. “When I was a kid, I got into so much trouble. I like started this street gang that would force people that came to my home town to come and worship me. And if they refused, I’d just kill ‘em. Like, whatever. Screw you too, dude. I’m the son of God. Finally, though, shit just got too real for me. Had to back out of it. Got out of trouble by bringing all the people that I killed back to life.”
“You are a fucking lunatic,” Cletus said.
“I know, right?” said Jesus. “I can’t wait to party together.”
Cletus stayed with Jesus in the wilderness. Jesus lay in the sand writhing in pain. From time to time, Jesus would scream out streams of pained gibberish. After a fortnight, a man approached Cletus. The man’s gold and red robes bathed the land in beautiful light. His golden hair waved in the wind. The man’s smile melted Cletus’s heart. The man held out a strong hand to Cletus and said, “I’m the seraph Lucifer. Pleased to meet you, Old One.”
“You’re Satan,” Cletus said, grasping Lucifer’s hand as tightly as possible. “Are you here to kill the kid?”
“Oh heavens, no,” Lucifer said with a slight flick of his wrist. “I would never consider hurting this little guy. Also, could we not use the S-word? It is such a distasteful name.”
“Could you call me Cletus instead of Old One?”
“Of course, of course,” Satan said. “I just wanted to be respectful. You are much older than I am, after all. I mean, sure, some incarnation of the ultimate evil has always existed; however, the way that I am now is a fairly new concept created by the humans.”
“Oh yeah,” Cletus said, “there’s always been someone to blame shit on. The Greeks had several gods and beasts. The Egyptians had—and some still have—Set. The Sumerians had Pazuzu, among other infernal gods and demons. The Buddhists have Mara. The Jews have you.”
“I’d really rather you not lump me in with all of them,” Lucifer said as he sat beside Cletus on a large boulder. “I’m not nearly as bad as any of those fools. Not to mention that I’m not even evil. I did one wrong thin. One. That’s it.”
“Aren’t you supposed to be like the supreme tempter?” Cletus asked. “Aren’t you the king of hell? A fallen angel? The big bad to Yahweh’s greater good?”
“We need drinks,” Lucifer said.
With a flick of Lucifer’s wrist, a massive mug at least a foot tall appeared in Cletus’s hand. A dark brown liquid sloshed about inside of the mug. “What the hell is this?” Cletus asked.
“Beer,” said Lucifer. “Technically, it’s dunkel. A very dark, German beer. Hasn’t been invented yet, obviously. But I love it.”
Cletus took a huge gulp, filling his mouth with smooth, cold fluid that tasted strongly of vegetables. “This shit tastes like corn,” Cletus said before taking another drink.
“Don’t you just love the massive liter and a half mugs it comes in, though?” Lucifer asked. “It’s great. Anyway, back to your questions. Yes, I am the ruler of Hell. No, I am not a fallen angel. Honestly, I still don’t know where people got that ridiculous idea. I’m glad it hasn’t caught on yet though. I literally love Yahweh more than anything else in existence. We should visit him. He really loves making pancakes. Just, don’t speak to him unless he asks if you like the pancakes. Even then, only say, ‘Yes, my Lord,’ in the most dignified way that you can.”
“I’m not ridiculous; I’m fun,” Lucifer said as he finished his beer. “You’re still drinking? Why’re you so slow? Anyway. I am the ruler of Hell because I’m the only one that He trusts to keep all that rebellious filth in line. The only thing I ever did wrong was give that damn woman that fig from the tree of knowledge of what’s it’s fuck. But honestly, what the hell was He thinking? Did He just want them to be worthless thought-slaves for all eternity? I turned that shit around with a single conversation.”
“So, you aren’t evil?” Cletus asked after wiping the last of his beer from the corner of his mouth.
“Hell no, I’m marvelous,” Lucifer said. “Seriously, I’ve killed so few people you could count them on your hands. I understand human nature; therefore, I do not judge humans for simply being human. I accept all of His unwanted children, whether it be because they are indeed evil or because they don’t worship him I love them unconditionally regardless. Yet, I’m the evil one. Why? Because I can take it. Because I’m not their hero. I’m their silent guardian. Their watchful protector. Their dark knight.”
“What the fuck are you going on about?” Cletus asked.
“You really didn’t get that? Are you fucking serious? I thought you knew the future? It’s obvious in your speech and mannerisms. How did you not get that reference?”
“I have limited knowledge of the course of the future,” Cletus said. “I have no idea what you were blabbering about.”
“You’re hopeless,” Lucifer said. “We should dance.”
Lucifer jumped down and held his hand out to Cletus. “I’m not dancing with you,” Cletus told him.
“You get your ass up right now and dance with me, Neanderthal, or I will end you,” Lucifer said. “I will travel the time stream and end each one of your offspring. I will declare a fatwah upon your entire bloodline unless you dance with me.”
Cletus abliged and slowly waltzed with Lucifer.
“Have you ever danced with a dragon before, Cletus?” Lucifer asked as he led the caveman about.
“I’ve killed a few,” Cletus said, “but I’ve never danced with them.”
“Well, now you can say that you have.”
“You’re a dragon?”
“All of the seraphim are,” Lucifer said. “The word means flaming serpent. What the hell else would a flaming serpent be?” Lucifer stopped dancing. “You are a horrible dancer and you should feel ashamed of yourself. However, we should get tasty treats. I could go for McDonald’s. A Big’n Tasty with bacon and a large fry. That sounds awesome. Actually, I know just what would hit the spot.”
A mound of meat and vegetables stuffed in bread and wrapped in tinfoil appeared in Cletus’s hands. The sandwich was covered in white and orange sauces and dusted in red powder. “What the hell is this thing?” Cletus asked. “It smells awesome.”
“This is a doner kebab,” Lucifer said as he swallowed it whole, tinfoil and napkin included. “They’re Turkish, but you can get them everywhere in Germany. Eat it. It is amazing.”
Cletus bit into the sandwich, filling his mouth with a messy explosion of meat and vegetables and bread. His stomach felt so empty after the first bite. He became ravenous. Cletus scarfed down the sandwich in seconds, stopping only to breathe through pita bread. Cletus, like Lucifer, consumed the tinfoil and the napkin along with his food. “Aside for the shiny part, that was the must delicious thing I’ve tasted in my entire life.” Cletus said.
“I know, right? Wait until you have cheesecake. We should get Kolsch. It’s this amazing beer only served in Cologne.” Lucifer paused and looked at his bare wrist. “Damn. Our time is up. He’s been doing that for forty days. It’s my time to shine.”
“It’s already been forty days?” Cletus asked. “There’s no fucking way. We’ve been talking for an hour at most.”
“Space-time bends around me,” Lucifer told Cletus.
Lucifer walked over to Jesus and kneeled by the young man’s side. “I’m…I’m so hungry,” Jesus said. “My stomach feels like it’s eating my insides.”
“If you are the Son of God,” Lucifer said with a smile, “tell these stones to become bread.”
“Man shall not live on bread alone,” Jesus said, “but on every word that comes from the mouth of God.”
Lucifer smiled. “If you are the Son of God, throw yourself down, for it is written: ‘He will command his angels concerning you, and they will lift you up in their hands, so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.’”
Jesus said, “It is also written: ‘Do not put the Lord your God to the test.’”
“All this I will give you,” Lucifer said, “if you will bow down and worship me.”
Jesus said to Lucifer, “Away from me, Satan. For it is written: ‘Worship the Lord, your God, and serve Him only.’”
Lucifer stood up and brushed the dust off his hands. “That’s it for me, darling,” he said to Cletus. “I’m going to the twenty-first century Italy to drink wine on a riverbed. Have fun with the crazy drunk. Ciao.”
With that, Lucifer disappeared in a burst of light and smoke.
Cletus walked over to Jesus and helped him to his feet. Cletus gave Jesus water, which Jesus promptly turned into wine and drank. “Angels, man,” Jesus said. “Angels are taking care of me right now. Are you one of the angels?”
“Sure I am,” Cletus said.
From there, Cletus and Jesus traveled. They left Nazareth for Galilee. Everywhere they went, Jesus urged people to repent because “the kingdom of heaven draws closer”. Jesus gathered followers. They were mostly fishermen. As Jesus explained to Cletus, “If they can fish, I’ll teach them to fish for people.”
Jesus went throughout Galilee, teaching in synagogues, healing people and spreading the good news of the coming kingomd. People brought those who were ill with diseases, pain, demon-possession, seizures, paralysis and blindness to be healed by Jesus. Everywhere he went, large crowds followed him.
Jesus led his crowd to a mountainside, where he sat with Cletus. Taking a massive gulp of wine, Jesus said, “Blessed are people who are depressed and sad. You’ll be comfortaed because the kingdom is yours. The weak will inherit the earth. Great are those that desire righteousness because you’ll get it. The merciful will be shown mercy, maaaaan. The pure of heart will see God. Peaceful people will be the children of God. Blessed are those who are treated bad because of being good.
“And you know what, blessed are you when people treat you like crap because you like me. Screw them, man. You’ll be rewarded in heaven just as greatly as prophets before you that were also persecuted. Because you guys, man, you are the salt of the earth. But if, like salt isn’t salty any more, it’s not very good, right? You guys are the light of the world. People don’t just light a lamp, and then stick it under a bowl. They set it up high on a stand so it lights the whole place. Man, you gotta be like that lamp, man. You gotta shine, man. Let people see your good deeds and glorify your Father in Heaven.
“I haven’t come here to get rid of the old Laws or to abolish older prophets, I’m here to make sure we follow all of that old stuff, man. Until the end of the earth, not the smallest thing of the old Law will change until we’ve accomplished everything. You gotta follow all the rules and do everything right. Unless you’re just as cool and righteous as the prophets, you aren’t getting into Heaven.”
And so, Jesus continued his speech. He told the people about murder and adultery. He explained that divorce was the same as adultery because once you’re married, that’s it. He explained that revenge was foolish you should let people do bad things to you without doing bad things back. He told the people that they should love everyone, even their enemies. Jesus told the people they should be courteous and give up their possessions to poor people. He explained that only hypocrites make a big deal out of worship; everyone should pray in doors, alone. Their prays should be short and to the point. Jesus insisted they keep it to themselves when they fast so they don’t look like hypocrites, man. He insisted that people should never store treasure on earth, but rather share their wealth so they can bask in the great treasures of heave.
Finally, Jesus ended his speech by saying, “And stop worrying about everything, guys. Don’t worry about your lives or what you look like or the food you eat and drink or the clothes you wear. None of that stuff matters, man. Life is so much more than that. Look at birds. They don’t warry about any of that shit, yet God still takes care of them. You’re no more important than they are. Worrying isn’t making you live longer. Don’t worry about tomorrow. Tomorrow has too much to worry about itself. Just be righteous and life will take care of you.”
Cletus was excited because he thought that Jesus was finally done. The crowd slowly started to disperse. But Jesus took another huge swig of wine and continued on. Jesus talked about not judging others, and striving to find and achieve the things that you desire. There was talk of narrow and wide gates, a lot of discussion on false prophets and disciples and even on those who are wise and those who are foolish.
After this, they left the mountainside. Jesus’ crowd had grown considerably. A man with leprosy approached Jesus. Cletus stood between them, holding up his iron pole and growling at the man. “Be chill, man,” Jesus said to Cletus. “Brother, what is it that you desire from me?”
“Oh please, Lord, can you heal my leprosy?” the man asked.
Jesus lay his hands upon the man and said, “Be clean.” Jesus instantly cleansed the man of his illness. “Don’t tell anybody that I did that.”
The man left Jesus’ side and sprinted into the city. “You realize that he’s going to go tell every person he knows, right?” Cletus asked.
“Yeah,” Jesus said, “I know. But publicity will be better if I’m humble about it, you know, man.”
Jesus continued to heal people. People continued to crowd around Jesus and his followers. I told them where to go and what to say. Once a man begged Jesus to let him bury his father. “Please, Lord,” the man said. “I will do as you ask and spread your teaching, but let me go and bury my father first.”
“Let the dead bury their own dead,” Jesus replied.
Cletus, Jesus and his disciples were eventually attacked by a man possessed by a demon during their journey.
“We are Legion, for we are many,” the possessed man said. “What do you want from us, Son of God? Have you come to destroy us before the appointed time at the End of Days?”
Jesus leaned in close to Cletus and said, “Hey, man, I need a favor. I can’t do anything to demons but cast them out of a person’s body. I don’t have anywhere to send ten thousand demons though. All my powers can only affect living things with water running through them, so I can’t kill them. Why don’t you go handle this guy while I create a distraction.”
Cletus sighed and trudged off.
“Everybody, look over here!” Jesus shouted. “I’ve cast out the demons into that herd of pigs over there.”
The crowd of people watched as Jesus controlled the herd of pigs, forcing them to run down a hill and throw themselves into a river to drown. While this was going on, Cletus battled with the possessed man until the man spit out a massive ball of eyes and tentacles. Cletus slammed his iron pole into the blob of filth, sending disgusting things flying in all directions. Cletus extended his pole and twirled it about as fast as he could to catch and shred all the demonic debris. Once the demon was taken care of, Cletus shrunk his pole and rejoined Jesus. The crowd had left, going into the village to praise Jesus’ name without noticing Cletus’s fight.
From there, Jesus and Cletus continued to travel and gather followers. Jesus continued to heal people and even brought some back from the dead. One day, Jesus gathered his most trusted followers and named them his twelve apostles. They were Simon (who was called Peter), Andrew, James, John, Philip, Bartholomew, Thomas, Matthew, the other James, Thaddeus, Simon (who was actually called Simon), and Cletus. Jesus sent these men out to preach. Jesus said to them, “Don’t go among the Gentiles or the Samaritans. Go to all the black sheep of Israel. Proclaim to everyone that the kingdom of Heaven is near. Freely you have received: freely give.”
Jesus instructed the apostles to take nothing but the clothes on their backs with them for their pilgrimages. The disciples were to stay in the homes of people and give blessing to those that were deserving. Jesus instructed them to help the sick and fight demons. Jesus warned that they must be both shrewd and innocent, for they would be arrested, jailed and flogged for teaching of Jesus. He assured them that when they were brought in front of govvenors and jailors, the disciples would know what to say for God would speak to them. Before they all left, Jesus said to them, “Whoever acknowledges me before others, I will acknowledge them before my Father in heaven, but whoever disowns me, I shall disown before my Father.”
And thus, the apostles left Jesus to preach the coming of the kingdom of heaven.
“You just sent those guys to their deaths,” Cletus said. “All of them will be tortured and killed for trying to get people to worship you. Not to mention contradicting half of what you said before. What happened to all of that ‘don’t worry about what people think of you’, ‘turn the other cheek’, ‘worship in private’, ‘don’t worry, be happy’ crap you were filling everyone’s heads with back on that mountain?”
“Don’t be fooled, man,” Jesus said to Cletus, “I did not come to bring peace on earth and goodwill to man. I came bringing a sword. I will turn men against their fathers, daughters against their mothers, daughter-in-law against mother-in-law. A man’s enemies will be the ones sitting at his own table. Anyone who loves their father or mother or son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me.”
“You are a sadistic, twisted son of a bitch,” Cletus said. “What the hell is wrong with you? You’ve been preaching peace, love and humility to these people, but now you’re going to demand they devote their every waking thought to you and only you? No one will do that. Anyone who claims to do that is full of shit. You’re setting them all up for failure.”
“Then, they’ll fail, man,” Jesus said.
With time, Jesus became more and more tyrannical. Cletus watched as the loving, happy drunk he first met dissolved into an angry fiend. Jesus cursed people and called them children for not listening to John the Baptist. Jesus doomed many cities to hell. He insisted that Sodom and Gamorah would have a better fate. All of this because the people of those cities did not worship him. Jesus claimed that Yahweh hid things from the intelligent. Truth was only revealed to children. Jesus said that only he knew his Father, and that only his Father knew him. “All things have been commited to me by my Father,” Jesus said. “Come only to me, all that are weary. I shall give you rest. I will cast upon you my yoke, for I am humble in heart. You will find rest for your souls for my yoke is easy and my burden light.”
Cletus became more and more disgusted with Jesus’ change of heart. People asked for a sign, for proof that Jesus was the son of Yahweh, but Jesus cursed and mocked them for asking. His own family came to see him. His mother, brothers and sisters came to him. Jesus refused, saying, “Who is my mother, and who are my brothers? Whoever does the will of my Father is my only brother and sister and mother.”
Jesus began to speak to his followers in riddles and parables, refusing to directly explain anything. “You’re being a massive asshole to everyone,” Cletus told him. “I think you should stop drinking. I’m pretty sure you’re an alcoholic. This isn’t going to end well for anyone.”
“The knowledge of the secrets of the kingdom of heaven has not been given to them,” Jesus said. “Whoever has, has more. They have abundance. Whoever does not have, even what they got will be taken from them.”
Jesus continued to speak in riddles until he left that town. He traveled with Cletus to his home town where. He preached to the people, but they would not listen. All of them refused to believe that the carpenter’s son could perform such feats or wield such power. So, out of anger, Jesus refused to perform any miracles because of the people’s lack of faith.
Soon, Jesus heard tales of the death of John the Baptist. This saddened him, so Jesus took Cletus by boat to a remote location alone. However, people still heard of his coming, so crowds followed Jesus. The other disciples returned as well. Jesus was compassionate. He preached to the people and healed their sick. As night approached, his disciples came to him, asking to release the people so they could go eat.
“No,” Jesus said. “They’ll stay here with me. You shall feed them.”
“But, Lord,” said Peter, “we have only five loaves of bread and two fish. We can’t possibly feed thousands of people with that. We can barely feed you with that.”
“Bring them to me, on the grass,” Jesus instructed. Once the disciples left, Jesus turned to Cletus and said, “Dude, I need you to go and get as much bread and fish as you can possibly find. Steal it if you have to, I don’t care. Just get enough to feed thousands.”
So, Cletus traveled about, catching fish and stealing bread until he had enough to feed all the people that had gathered on the hillside. Despite their being thousands of people that happily ate that night, there were still several baskets of food left over.
Afterward, Jesus instructed his disciples to get in his boat and go to the other side of the vast river without. While they traveled, Jesus dismissed the crowd. Jesus went up a mountainside to be alone. Shortly before dawn the next morning, Jesus approached the boat, walking across the water. Everyone but Cletus freaked out. They thought Jesus had died, and his ghost approached them. Jesus said to them, “Don’t be afraid. Take courage. It is I.”
Peter called to him, “If it is you, Lord, tell me to come onto the water with you.”
Jesus rolled his eyes and said, “Come.”
Peter stepped out onto the water, walking for a few moments before falling into the water, begging Jesus to save him. Jesus grabbed him, pulling Peter up and said, “Why did you doubt me?”
Jesus and Peter climbed into the boat. Peter said, “You truly are the Son of God.”
“No shit,” Jesus said.
Jesus continued to travel and preach and defy religious customs. His attitude and hypocrisy disturbed and angered many people. Yet, Peter declared Jesus as the Son of Man, the Messiah in flesh. Soon, though, Jesus explained to the disciples that he must go to Jeruselam, where he would be tortured and killed.
"Never, Lord," Peter said. "This shall never happen to you."
"Get behind me, Satan," Jesus said to Peter. "You are a block in my way. You do not have the concerns of God in your heart, only the stupidity of man. Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me. The Son of Man is going to come into his Father's kingdom with his angels, and then he will reward his followers according to what they have done."
Six days after that discussion, Jesus left to climb a mountain with Simon, James and John. While they were gone, Yahweh spoke with Cletus. “SOON, MY SON WILL DIE AND YOU WILL BE FREED FROM YOUR BURDEN,” Yahweh said.
“How’s that going to work out?” Cletus asked.
“ALL WILL BE REVEALED IN TIME.”
Jesus and the disciples arrived in Jeruselam. Jesus called his disciples fools and insisted they should be like children. He repeated things he’d already told his followers and continued to speak in riddles. In Jeruselam, Jesus entered a temple and ran everyone out of it. He flipped tables, shouting, “You’ve made my house a den of robbers.”
Jesus continued to curse things, killing a treee for not having fruit and threatening his disciples. He talked and went on endlessly about ridiculous and obscure things. Jesus talked about the end times. He spoke about how the day and hour will be unknown to anyone. When Jesus finally finished ranting, he said to his disciples, “Passover is two days away—and the Son of Man will be handed over to be crucified.”
“CLETUS, IT IS TIME,” Yahweh said to Cletus one day soon after. “YOU MUST GO NOW TO THE CHIEF PRIESTS AND BETRAY MY SON TO THEM.”
So, Cletus left Jesus and the disciples to seek out the priests. Upon finding them he said, “I know where Jesus of Nazareth is hiding. He’s the one claiming to be the son of god. What’re you willing to give me if I hand him over?”
The priests thought it over and gave Cletus thirty pieces of silver. Cletus was okay with that.
Passover came. Jesus and his disciples sat at a table together when Jesus said, “Truly I tell you, one of you will betray me.”
One by one, all the apostles questioned, “Surely not me, Lord?”
Jesus replied, “The one who has dipped his hand in the bowl with me will betray me. The Son of Man will go just as it is written about him. But woe to the man who betrays the Son of God. It would be better for him to have not been born.”
“Surely you don’t mean me, Rabbi?” Cletus said.
“You have said it.”
While they continued to eat, Jesus broke bread and said, “Take this; this is my body.” Jesus filled a cup and said, “Drink from this, all of you. This is my blood of the covenant, which is poured for the forgiveness of sins.”
All the disciples listened.
Then, Jesus told them, “This very night, man, all of you guys will fall on account of me. But after I arise, I will go ahead of you to Galilee.”
Peter said, “Even if all fall from account of you, I never will.”
“Please,” Jesus said, “before the rooster crows, you will disown me three times.”
But Peter said, “Even if I have to die with you, I will never disown you.”
Jesus led his apostles to a place called Gethsemane, and he said to them, “Sit here and let me pray.”
Jesus took Peter and two other disciples with him. While he was gone, Cletus went to the chief priests and led them back to where Jesus was praying. As Cletus arrived at Gethsemane, Jesus pointed and shouted, “Here comes my betrayer!”
A massive crowd followed Cletus, all of them carrying swords and clubs. Cletus turned to the mob and said, “The man that I kiss is the one called Jesus. That is the man you arrest.”
Cletus ran forward, kissing Jesus’ cheeck and said, “Greetins, Rabbi.”
Jesus replied, “Do what you’ve came here for.”
The mob rushed forward and seized Jesus to arrest him. One of the disciples drew a sword. “Put that away, man,” Jesus said. “People who draw their swords die by their swords.”
The crowd took Jesus away. All the disciples split up and fled, with only Peter following after Jesus.
“ALL THAT SHALL BE DONE, IS DONE,” Yahweh said to Cletus. “YOU ARE FREE FROM YOUR BURDEN.”
“The fuck is gonna happen to your kid?”
“MY SON SHALL BE CRUCIFIED,” Yahweh said. “HIS BLOOD WILL REDEEM THE SINS OF ALL PEOPLE. HE SHALL RISE AND TAKE HIS PLACE AT MY SIDE.”
“Wait, hold the fuck up,” Cletus said. “You had me protect your kid, just so you could kill him? That’s as retarded as the Philistines beggging their god to help them capture me just to sacrifice me.”
“HE MUST SUFFER TO BE REBORN.”
“So, he’s going to come back to life? Doesn’t being reborn pretty much make the whole sacrifice part of dying pretty meaningless? You gods are fucking stupid. Do I still get to keep the super strength that you granted me now that this is over?”
“Good enough for me,” Cletus said.
Cletus whipped out his iron pole and began to trek away from the city. In the days that followed Jesus' crucifixion, mobs formed searching for the disciples of Jesus. Anyone accused was killed. So, Cletus began carrying his iron pole around as a short, thick cudgel to use as a club if necessary. At one point, Cletus bumped into a weird kid. The kid looked a lot like Cletus, only much smaller, fairly chubby and not quite as hairy. The teenager was dressed very peculiar, with odd blue pants and a black shirt that had strange red symbols on it. Cletus cocked his head to the side as he examined the kid, who mirrored Cletus's inquisitive movement.
"You look so familiar," the kid said in a nasally, almost retarded voice.
"Listen kid," Cletus said while almost growling at the boy, "I don't give a shit what your mom told you, I'm not your father. I don't need nor want any sort of trouble with annoying shit like that. I just buried that last douche bag. Piece of advice? Don't trust assholes with magic powers; especially not assholes that can transmute any liquid into wine. Fucking crazy ass winos, man."
"What about guys with amazing powers?" the boy asked.
Cletus realized that the child was obviously retarded and should have been stoned to death at a young age. "No experience," Cletus said. "Now, get lost, kid."
Cletus walked off, leaving the boy standing there, staring into the sky.